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These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented. "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?" "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses") "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?" "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha...what a bone head! "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm...I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you? "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No...that's your brain miss-firing.) "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!) "I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok...hold on...I'll check with the caveman...) "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

. These "Weird Reference Questions" are from the Library Paraprofessionals Listserv. All of these are real and provide proof that a "better idiot" can be invented. "Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?" "Do you have that book by Rushdie: 'Satanic Nurses'?" (Actual title: "Satanic Verses") "I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?" "Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park Sites?" hahahaha...what a bone head! "Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?" hmmm...I don't recollect any camera-toting cavemen...do you? "I'm looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I'm having trouble with it in my neck." (No...that's your brain miss-firing.) "I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months." (I know...how about shooting yourself? That would get you life in prison!) "I need a color photograph of George Washington." (Ok...hold on...I'll check with the caveman...) "Is the basement upstairs?" (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk) This one gets the golden stupidity award!

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. Seems about a year ago (1998) some airplane manufacturer employees decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's. They got it off the plane, out the gate and were having a good time fishing on the Stilliquamish. All of a sudden the Coast Guard Chopper came wop-wop-ing in, homing on the emergency frequency locator beacon that was activated when the boys inflated the raft at the river. (Note: The boys are no longer with said aircraft company.)

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. A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds, and he entered a patient's room to find his patient sitting on the floor, sawing at a piece of wood with the side of his hand. Meanwhile, another patient was in the room, hanging from the ceiling by his feet. The doctor asked his patient what he was doing, sitting on the floor. The patient replied in an irritated fashion, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired, "And what is the fellow hanging from the ceiling doing?" "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor asks, "If he's your friend, don't you think you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" "What? And work in the dark!?!"

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. A man walks into a shoe store, and tries on a pair of shoes. "How do they feel?" asks the sales clerk. "Well they feel a bit tight," replies the man. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and at the man's feet. "Try pulling the tongue out," the clerk says. "Well, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth." (DOH!)

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. There were two guys sitting in a plane. The one guy says lets play a game, I'll ask you a question if you get it right I give you 5 dollars. So the other guy says fine if you get it right, I give you 50 dollars, if you get it wrong you give me 5. The guy says ok. He asks him what his name was the guy didn't know it so he payed him 5 dollars. So the other guy asks what goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down with 4. He thinks and thinks but doesn't know so he pays him 50 dollars. He asks what does go up ahill with 3 legs and comes down with 4. The guy hands him 5 dollars.

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. I was walking into the store the other day when I saw this blind man an his seeing eye dog. Suddenly, the man grabs the dogs leash, and starts swinging the dog around his head. I walked up and said " Hey, what the hell are you doin"? The blind man said " Oh nothing, just lookin around."

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. The crofter's wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: "Here, you hold this high so I can see what I'm doing." Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world. "Och!" said the doctor. "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern by...I think there's yet another wee bairn to come." Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass. "Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet another one besides!" cried the doctor. The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: "Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light's attracting them?"

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. Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see!" "I see millions of stars," Watson said. "What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson replied. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all-powerful. Meteorologically, I suspect we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot," he said. "Someone has stolen our tent!"

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. As a couple sat in the living room, watching TV, the phone rang. The husband picked it up, listened for a moment and then screamed, "Damn it! How should I know? Call the weather bureau!" and hung up. "What was that all about?" wife asked. "Awww, some idiot wanted to know whether the coast was clear!"

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. Once upon a time there were two men who had gone cliff climbing. Suddenly, one man lost his footing and went tumbling down to the bottom. The other man frantically screamed, "Roger!", and was relieved to hear a faint reply. "Okay Rodge," shouted Barry, "I'm gonna throw a rope down to you, so wrap it 'round one of your legs and.." but before he could finish, he heard Roger call "But both my legs are broke." Barry suggested his arms, to which the reply was "They're broken too!" So finally, Roger held on with his mouth. Barry struggled to pull up the rope, and when he was nearly there, Barry said, "You right there mate?" to which Rodger replied,"YYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS........"

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. The basketball coach stormed into the university president's office and demanded a raise right then and there. "Please," protested the college President, "you already make more than the entire History department." "Yeah, maybe so, but you don't know what I have to put up with," the coach blustered. "Look." He went out into the hall and grabbed a jock who was jogging down the hallway. "Run over to my office and see if I'm there," he ordered. Twenty minutes later the jock returned, sweaty and out of breath. "You're not there, sir," he reported. "Oh, I see what you mean," conceded the President, scratching his head. "I would have phoned."

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(basketball): 661

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. "Good Afternnoon, Ridge Hall, computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" ......"Yes, I think so." "Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ......"Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ......"Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle-it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes-the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Aha! Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(good): 2370

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. As you may already know, THE DARWIN AWARDS are bestowed every year upon (the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice, has done the most to remove undesirable elements from the human gene pool. And now, for this year's illustrious winner(s):.. drum roll... John Pernicky and friend Sal Hawkins, of the great state of Washington, decided to attend a local Metallica concert at the Amphitheater at Gorge, Washington. Having no tickets (but 18 beers among them) they sat in the parking lot, and after finishing the beer, decided that it would be easy enough to hop over the nine-foot high fence and sneak into the show. The two friends pulled their pickup truck over to the fence and the plan was for John--100 pounds heavier than Sal-to hop over, and then assist his friend over the fence. Unfortunately for John, there was a 30 foot drop on the other side of the fence. Having heaved himself over, he found himself crashing through a tree. His fall was abruptly halted by a large branch which snagged him by his shorts. Dangling from the tree, with one arm broken, John looked down and saw a group of bushes below him. Figuring the bushes would break his fall, John removed his pocket knife and proceeded to cut away his shorts to free himself from the tree. When finally free, John crashed below into Holly bushes. The sharp leaves scratched his entire body and now being without his shorts, he was the unwilling victim of a holly branch penetrating his rectal cavity. To make matters worse, his pocket knife proceeded to fall with him and landed three inches into his left thigh. Seeing his friend in considerable pain and agony, Sal decided to throw him a rope and pull him to safety. However, weighing about 100 pounds less, he decided the best course of action would be to tie the rope to the pickup truck. This is when things went from bad to worse. In his drunken state, Sal put the truck into the wrong gear, pressed on the gas, and crashed through the fence, landing on and killing his friend. Sal was thrown from the truck, suffered massive internal injuries and also died at the scene. Police arrived to find a pickup truck with its driver thrown 100 feet from the vehicle and upon moving the truck, a half naked man, with numerous scratches, a holly stick up his rectum, a knife in his thigh, and a pair of shorts dangling from the tree branches 25 feet in the air.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(you): 2422

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. DARWIN AWARD RUNNERS-UP: #1 - LOS ANGELES, CA. Ani Saduki, 33, and his brother decided to remove a bees' nest from a shed on their property with the aid of a pineapple. A pineapple is an illegal firecracker which is the explosive equivalent of one-half stick of dynamite. They ignited the fuse and retreated to watch from inside their home, behind a window some 10 feet away from the hive/shed. The concussion of the explosion shattered the window inwards, seriously lacerating Ani. Deciding Mr. Saduki needed stitches, the brothers headed out to go to a nearby hospital. While walking towards their car, Ani was stung three times by the surviving bees. Unbeknownst to either brother, Ani was allergic to bee venom, and died of suffocation en-route to the hospital. #2 - Derrick L. Richards, 28, was charged in April in Minneapolis with third-degree murder in the death of his beloved cousin, Kenneth E. Richards. According to police, Derrick suggested a game of Russian roulette and put a semiautomatic pistol (instead of the more traditional revolver) to Ken's head and fired. #3 - PHILLIPSBURG, NJ. An unidentified 29 year old male choked to death on a sequinned pastie he had orally removed from an exotic dancer at a local establishment. "I didn't think he was going to eat it," the dancer identified only as "Ginger" said, adding "He was really drunk." #4 - MOSCOW, Russia - A drunk security man asked a colleague at the Moscow bank they were guarding to stab his bullet-proof vest to see if it would protect him against a knife attack. It didn't, and the 25-year-old guard died of a heart wound. #5- In FRANCE, Jacques LeFevrier left nothing to chance when he decided to commit suicide. He stood at the top of a tall cliff and tied a noose around his neck. He tied the other end of the rope to a large rock. He drank some poison and set fire to his clothes. He even tried to shoot himself at the last moment. He jumped and fired the pistol. The bullet missed him completely and cut through the rope above him. Free of the threat of hanging, he plunged into the sea. The sudden dunking extinguished the flames and made him vomit the poison. He was dragged out of the water by a kind fisherman and was taken to a hospital, where he died of hypothermia. #7 - RENTON, WASHINGTON, USA. A Renton, Washington man tried to comit a robbery. This was probably his first attempt, as suggested by the fact that he had no previous record of violent crime, and by his terminally stupid choices as listed below: 1. The target was H&J Leather & Firearms...a gun shop. 2. The shop was full of customers, in a state where a substantial portion of the adult population is licensed to carry concealed handguns in public places. 3. To enter the shop, he had to step around a marked Police patrol car parked at the front door. 4. An officer in uniform was standing next to the counter, having coffee before reporting to duty. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, removing him from the gene pool. Several other customers also drew their guns, but didn't fire. No one else was hurt. AND THE 1999 DARWIN AWARD WINNER IS..... THOMPSON, MANITOBA, CANADA. Telephone relay company night watchman Edward Baker, 31, was killed early Christmas morning by excessive microwave radiation exposure. He was apparently attempting to keep warm next to a telecommunications feed-horn. Baker had been suspended on a safety violation once last year, according to Northern Manitoba Signal Relay spokesperson Tanya Cooke. She noted that Baker's earlier infraction was for defeating a safety shut-off switch and entering a restricted maintenance catwalk in order to stand in front of the microwave dish. He had told co-workers that it was the only way he could stay warm during his twelve-hour shift at the station, where winter temperatures often dip to forty below zero. Microwaves can heat water molecules within human tissue in the same way that they heat food in microwave ovens. For his Christmas shift, Baker reportedly brought a twelve pack of beer and a plastic lawn chair, which he positioned directly in line with the strongest microwave beam. Baker had not been told about a tenfold boost in microwave power planned that night to handle the anticipated increase in holiday long-distance calling traffic. Baker's body was discovered by the daytime watchman, John Burns, who was greeted by an odour he mistook for a Christmas roast he thought Baker must have prepared as a surprise. Burns also reported to NMSR company officials that Baker's unfinished beers had exploded.

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. One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, "How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?" The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote - "I'M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!"

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. Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops, never mind. I didn't see your sign." It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My friend comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign." A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "No - We talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign." I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it!" Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me! Here's your sign." We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him. I learned to drive an 18 wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't ya know I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning..ok..no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked "So.. is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said "no I'm delivering' a bridge...here's your sign."

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. I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large new motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had set the cruise control, then went in back to make a sandwich!

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. A man lay spread out over three seats in the second row of a movie theater. As he lay there breathing heavily, an usher came over and said, "That's very rude of you, sir, taking up three seats. Didn't you learn any manners! Where did you come from?" The man looked up helplessly and said, "The balcony!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 309

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. A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place.... The man says "What's the problem officer?" Officer: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone. Man: No sir, I was going 65. Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going 80. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light. Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light! Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. [Man gives his wife a dirty look.] Officer: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt. Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car. Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt. Man turns to his wife and yells: "Shut your damn mouth!" Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you like this all the time? Wife says: "No, only when he's drunk!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 936

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. A guy is swerving down the road and gets pulled over. The cop says, "You have to take a Breathalyzer test." The guy says, "I can't. I have asthma, and it'll start me on a coughing fit." The cop says, "Then I have to give you a blood test." The guy says, "You can't. I'm a hemophiliac, and if you prick me, I'll bleed all over the place." The cops says, "Then you have to get out of the car and walk a straight line." The guy says, "I can't." The cop says, "Why not?" The guy says, "Because I'm drunk you idiot... didn't you see the way I was driving!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(guy): 561

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. A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" "I'm sorry," came the reply."But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(painting): 769

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. A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries. "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(man): 221

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. Halloween Funnies: What do Skeletons say before eating? Bone Appetite. What do blondes and Jack-O-Lanterns have in common? Both have blank expressions and are hollow inside. Why did the Vampire get fired from the Blood Bank? He was caught drinking on the job. Why do ghosts have so much trouble dating? Women can see right through them. Why are Vampires Democrats? They want Gore in 2000. What kind of clothes do Zombies wear? Decay NY. Why aren't there any famous skeletons? They're a bunch of no bodies. What kind of music do Mummies listen to? Wrap. What do you call a guy turned on by a witch? Scared stiff.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(funnies): 647

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. Rules for Buying Gifts for Men Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why. Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why. Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why. Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts. Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips. Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer. Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy. Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why. Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over. Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks." Rule #11 Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?" Rule #12: Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why. Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker. Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why. Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(for): 3130

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. How to make a fruitcake!: --------------------------------- 1 C water 1 C sugar 4 large eggs 2 C dried fruit 1 tsp. baking soda 1 tsp. salt 1 C brown sugar Lemon juice Nuts 1 FULL bottle of your favorite whiskey Directions: -------------------- 1. Sample the whiskey to check for quality. 2. Take a large bowl. Check the whiskey again to be sure that it is of the highest quality. 3. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat. 4. Turn on the electric mixer; beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. 5. Add one tsp. sugar and beat again. 6. Be sure the whiskey is still okay. Cry another tup. 7. Turn off the mixer. 8. Break two legs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit. 9. Mix on the turner. 10. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver. 11. Sample the whiskey to check for tonsisticity. 12. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something. Who cares. 13. Check the whiskey. 14. Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts. 15. Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find. 16. Grease the oven. 17. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees. 18. Don't forget to beat off the turner. 19. Throw the bowl out the window. 20. Check the whiskey again. Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?

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. Festivity Level 1: Your guests are chatting amiably with each other, admiring your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing carols around the upright piano, sipping at their drinks and nibbling hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 2: Your guests are talking loudly -- sometimes to each other, and sometimes to nobody at all, rearranging your Christmas-tree ornaments, singing "I Gotta Be Me" around the upright piano, gulping their drinks and wolfing down hors d'oeuvres. Festivity Level 3: Your guests are arguing violently with inanimate objects, singing "I can't get no satisfaction," gulping down other peoples' drinks, wolfing down Christmas tree ornaments and placing hors d'oeuvres in the upright piano to see what happens when the little hammers strike. Festivity Level 4: Your guests, hors d'oeuvres smeared all over their naked bodies are performing a ritual dance around the burning Christmas tree. The piano is missing. You want to keep your party somewhere around level 3, unless you rent your home and own firearms, in which case you can go to level 4.

Prześlij na email | Liczba znaków(level): 1066

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. Anniversaries and birthdays Complicate my life. I'm an absent-minded husband Of a present-minded wife.

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. Q: Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.

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. Who did the dyslexic satanist worship? Santa.

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. What is a wedding tragedy? To marry a man for love, and then find out he has no money!

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. A recent survey shows that the commonest form of marriage proposal these days consists of the words: "You're WHAT?!?!?"

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. THE TWELVE DAYS OF CHRISTMAS.... SANTA CRUZ STYLE... On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my Significant Other in a consenting adult, monogamous relationship gave to me: TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming, ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note), TEN melanin deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping, NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression, EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans, SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands, SIX enslaved Fowl-Americans producing stolen non-human animal products, FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE after members of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further Animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.) FOUR hours of recorded whale songs THREE deconstructionist poets TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses and... ONE Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.

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. Isn't this the truth!... 1970: Long Hair 2000: Longing for hair 1970: The perfect high. 2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund. 1970: Keg. 2000: EKG. 1970: Acid Rock. 2000: Acid Reflux. 1970: Moving to California because it's cool. 2000: Moving to California because it's warm. 1970: Growing pot. 2000: Growing pot belly. 1970: Douglas Street bridge. 2000: Dental bridge. 1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents. 2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children. 1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor. 1970: Seeds and stems. 2000: Roughage. 1970: Popping pills, smoking joints. 2000: Popping joints. 1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel. 2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity. 1970: Paar. 2000: AARP. 1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine. 1970: Killer weed. 2000: Weed killer. 1970: Hoping for a BMW. 2000: Hoping for a BM. 1970: The Grateful Dead. 2000: Dr. Kevorkian. 1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint. 2000: Getting a new hip joint. 1970: Rolling Stones. 2000: Kidney stones. 1970: Being called into the principal's office. 2000: Calling the principal's office. 1970: Screw the system! 2000: Upgrade the system. 1970: Peace sign. 2000: Mercedes logo. 1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut. 2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved. 1970: Take acid. 2000: Take antacid. 1970: Passing the driver's test. 2000: Passing the vision test. 1970: "Whatever" 2000: "Depends

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. 1. Watch the sunset-- on a sled. 2. Smile more, --it might get you a free beer. 3. Complain less. --It might get you a free beer. 4. Surprise a friend with a call. -- It might get you a free beer. 5. Develop your gifts. -- You might need them. 6. Count your blessings. -- You might need these too! 7. Talk to someone in an elevator. -- Particularly ones with Arctic Cat jackets on, or those carrying beer. 8. Breathe consciously once in a while. -- This cures snoring. 9. Enjoy sneezes -- and stay behind the one sneezing. 10. Appreciate that your leg isn't broken, -- unless you are an actor. 11. Be unique, --it demonstrates difference! 12. Sing in the shower. -- With a friend! 13. Put your shoes on the wrong feet and laugh at yourself, -- or have someone laugh at you. 14. Make someone's day, -- or night. 15. Stand on your head. -- For a free beer! 16. Stare at the world above you. -- Hopefully not from under a bar. 17. Play with an animal. -- Be sure it is one which cannot eat you! 18. Slurp Jell-O. --Add Vodka for flavor. 19. Do something unplanned. -- Plan to do it this weekend! 20. Plan to do something and have it go as planned. -- This is hard! 21. Stand back and look in. -- Tell my wife this when shopping all the time. 22. Appreciate a paradox -- paradox a appreciate. 23. Dive in. -- Naked! 24. Get grass stains. -- Naked :) 25. Wave your hands in the air.-- Use the middle finger at birds. 26. Swim with the fishes. -- Again, naked. 27. Make maple syrup. -- Don't use pine juice. 28. Climb a tree. --Don't climb a pine. 29. Spin in a circle once while walking to class. -- Don't fall in a mud puddle. 30. Tell someone they look nice. -- You look nice. 31. Collect something, -- like taxes from the tax collector! 32. Walk barefoot every chance you get. -- Even in the snow! 33. Build a sand castle, -- or a snowman. 34. Walk with no destination. -- Talk with no destination. 35. When all your exams are done, treat yourself to an ice cream cone. -- OK I WILL! Then a beer. 36. Entertain yourself by making faces. -- bend over and see if they look the same. 37. Don't just listen, try to hear. --Then try to listen to a friend. 38. Wear shoes until they're so old they won't stay on your feet. --Then wear them swimming. 39. Appreciate the primary colors. -- Know them! 40. When you wake up, realize you're alive. -- Promise not to use vulgarities. 41. Walk in the rain, -- with a bar of soap. 42. Blow bubbles, -- in the tub! 43. Make the most of where you are. -- Ride an Arctic Cat! 44. Jump as high as you can. -- Come down on an empty beer can, and recycle it. 45. Dance -- in bed 46. Talk less and say more. --Carry a BIG stick. 47. Exercise before you diet. -- 12 oz. curls don't count do they? 48. Learn to play chess. -- That and Linear Algebra may come in handy. 49. Sit by a river. -- With a beer, on an Arctic Cat. 50. Never lose your sense of humor. -- You will need it!

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. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire. I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and... Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill. Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone. If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning. When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up. Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group. Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down. ust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car! When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn. This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over. It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot. Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery. This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land. Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.

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. What do elves learn in school? The ELF-abet. How many reindeer does Santa have? 11 (named below): Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph (the one with the red nose), Olive (all of the other reigndeer) and Al (Then Al the reigndeer loved him all). What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish What kind of bird can write? A PEN-guin Why does Santa's sled get such good mileage? Because it has long distance-runners on each side. Why does Scrooge love Rudolph-the red-nosed reindeer? Beacuse every buck is dear to him. What do you get if you deep-fry Santa Claus? Crisp Cringle What did the ghosts say to Santa Claus? We'll have a "boo" Christmas without you. ELF#1: What did Santa shout to his toys on Christmas Eve? ELF#2: "OKay everyone, sack time!" If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get? Missletoe!!!!!

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. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds? Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii? Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

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. Is it all right to bring a date to the wedding? Not if you are the groom. How many showers is the bride supposed to have? At least one within a week of the wedding. What music is recommended for the wedding ceremony? Anything except "Tied to the Whipping Post".

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. Top 10 signs Santa doesn't like your kid: 10. Kid's letter to North Pole comes back stamped, "Dream on, Chester!" 9. Kid asks for new bike, gets pack of smokes 8. Along with presents, Santa leaves hefty bill for shipping and handling 7. By the time he gets to your house, all he has left are styrofoam peanuts 6. Christmas day, your kid wakes up with a reindeer head in his bed 5. Instead of "naughty" or "nice," Santa has him on the "dork" list 4. Sends him off on one of them Carnival cruises with Kathie Lee 3. First words when kid gets on his lap are, "Touch my beard and I'll put the hurt on you!" 2. Labels on all your kid's toys read "Straight from Craptown" 1. Four words: "Off my lap, Tubby!"

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. Top 10 signs you bought a bad christmas tree: 10. Two feet tall, forty feet wide 9. Salesman's opening line: "You're not a cop, are you?" 8. It looks suspiciously like a broom handle with a lot of coat hangers stuck into it 7. While you sleep, it gets liquored up and takes the family caravan for a joy ride 6. Each branch has "Duraflame" printed on it 5. Keeps heckling while you try to do a lame top ten list 4. It's very small and says "Air Freshener" on it 3. Rabbis have better Christmas trees than yours 2. Some guy named Mujibur puts a cheap Statue of Liberty on top of it 1. Constantly bragging about its "trunk size"

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. THE FACTS OF LIFE The 2 most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Money can't buy happiness...But it sure makes misery easier to live with. Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats. Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn. If you are given an open-book exam, you will forget your book. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. Dave's Law: You can't fall off the floor. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them. Law of Probability Dispersal: Whatever it is that hits the fan will not be evenly distributed. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down. Have a cup of coffee, it's already been 'saucered and blowed. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs. My cow died last night so I don't need your bull. Don't pee down my back and tell me it's raining. He's as country as cornflakes. This is gooder'n grits. Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor. If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it. Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional. Insanity is my only means of relaxation. Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get. Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets. You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster. My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely. Every time I think about exercise, I lie down till the thought goes away. God put me on earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now I am so far behind, I will live forever. It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. If you can remain calm, you just don't have all the facts. I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart. There cannot be a crisis this week; my schedule is already full. The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing in the right place, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment. Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever. The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends. Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone. Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show. Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today. Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness. If at first you don't succeed, see if the loser gets anything. You don't stop laughing because you grow old; you grow old because you stop laughing. I don't mind the rat race, but I could do with a little more cheese.

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. 1. American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!" 2. Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant. 3. You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank. 4. You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln. 5. Long distance companies don't call you to switch. 6. You look at your roommate and see a large fried chicken in tennis shoes. 7. Your rob Peter...and then rob Paul. 8. You finally clean your house, hoping to find change. 9. You think of a lottery ticket as an investment. 10. Your bologna has no first name. 11. You give blood everyday...just for the orange juice. 12. Sally Struthers sends you food. 13. McDonald's supplies you with all your kitchen condiments. 14. At communion you go back for seconds.

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. Top 12 Rejected Public Holidays 12 Start of Christmas Season Day 11 False Labor Day 10 Make a Move on Your Secretary Day 9 Hallmark Card Day 8 Bring Your Handgun to Work Day 7 Newtsmas 6 Deadbeat Father's Day 5 Bad Hair Day 4 Put Your Daughter To Work Day 3 Doris Day 2 St. Hooter's Day and the Number 1 Rejected Public Holiday... 1 Hash Wednesday

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. SCHIZOPHRENIA - Do You Hear What I Hear? MULTIPLE PERSONALITY - We Three Kings Disoriented Are. DEMENTIA - I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas. NARCISSISTIC - Hark The Herald Angels Sing (About Me) MANIA - Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town ...or Deck the Halls and Spare No Expense! PARANOIA - Santa Claus is Coming To Get Me. PERSONALITY DISORDER - You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, then MAYBE I'll tell you why. OBSESSIVE COMPULSIVE - Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell.... BORDERLINE PERSONALITY - Thoughts of Roasting in an Open Fire. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE - On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me... (and then took it all away).

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. Q. Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs? A. Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all. Q. What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant? A. Have sex once a year. Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving? A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant. Q. I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move? A. With any luck, right after he finishes college. Q. Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving? A. Depends on what you're doing with them. Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why? A. Cause you're fatter then they are. Q. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational. A. So what's your question, dork? Q. Will I love my dog less when the baby is born? A. No, but your husband might get on your nerves. Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right? A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current. Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor? A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you. Q. Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps? A. Yes, baby lips. Q. Can a mother get pregnant while nursing? A. Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first. Q. What causes baby blues? A. Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

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. 100 facecloths 25 darning needles any kind of keychain with something _way_ too big to fit in pocket or purse bag of potting mix box of legal size hanging file folders bucket of sand cat door cellophane tape and staples dairy for 1991 exquisitely wrapped house-brick framed photo of Richard Nixon (signed "all the best for 73 - Rich") globe hat rack his and hers dishwashing liquid. map of West Brazil mixer (for the non-cooking couple) mobile modern art sculpture (plastic one that resembled pile of poop) nicely wrapped ream of photocopy paper one shoe receipt book salad shooter (this one is a classic :-) silver plated yo-yo (my sister got one of these) spice rack step ladder towel/bathrobe with someone else's name on it. towrope triangular prism paperweight (we got one of these)

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. 1. If no one sees you eat it, it has no calories. 2. If you drink a diet soda with candy, they cancel each other out. 3. When eating with someone else, calories don't count if you both eat the same amount. 4. Foods used for medicinal purposes have no calories. This includes any chocolate used for energy, Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten whole), and Haagen-Dazs ice cream. 5. Movie-related foods are much lower in calories simply because they are a part of the entertainment experience and not part of one's personal fuel. This includes (but is not limited to) Milk Duds, popcorn with butter, Junior Mints, Snickers, and Gummi Bears. 6. Cookie pieces contain no calories because the process of breakage causes calorie leakage. 7. If you eat the food off someone else's plate, it doesn't count. 8. If you eat standing up the calories all go to your feet and get walked off. 9. Food eaten at Christmas parties has 0 calories, courtesy of Santa. 10. STRESSED is just DESSERTS spelled backward.

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. December 1 Blanch carcass from Thanksgiving turkey. Apply gold leaf, turn upside down and use as a sleigh to hold Christmas Cards. December 2 Have Mormon Tabernacle Choir record outgoing Christmas message for answering machine. December 3 Using candlewick and handgilded miniature pine cones, fashion cat-o-nine-tails. Flog Gardener. December 4 Repaint Sistine Chapel ceiling in ecru, with mocha trim. December 5 Grind lenses for new eyeglasses. December 6 Fax family Christmas newsletter to Pulitzer committee for consideration. December 7 Debug Windows '98 December 10 Align carpets to adjust for curvature of Earth. December 11 Lay Faberge egg. December 12 Take Dog apart. Disinfect. Reassemble. December 13 Collect dentures. They make excellent pastry cutters, particularly for decorative pie crusts. December 14 Install plumbing in gingerbread house. December 15 Replace air in mini-van tires with Glade "holiday scents" in case tires are shot out at mall. December 17 Blow glass Christmas tree ornaments. Cut tree in Montana. December 19 Adjust legs of chairs so each Christmas dinner guest will be same height when sitting at his or her assigned seat. December 20 Dip sheep and cows in egg whites and roll in confectioner's sugar to add a festive sparkle to the pasture. December 21 Drain city reservoir; refill with mulled cider, orange slices and cinnamon sticks. December 22 Float votive candles in toilet tank. December 23 Seed clouds for white Christmas. December 24 Do my annual good deed. Go to several stores. Be seen engaged in last minute Christmas shopping, thus making many people feel less inadequate than they really are. December 25 Bear son. Swaddle. Scent manger with homemade potpourri. December 26 Organize spice racks by genus and phylum. December 27 Build snowman in exact likeness of God. December 28 Say it is good. Rest for five minutes. December 29 Dig up sand from quarry and make new chips for my four computers. December 30 Float wicks in 4000 dishes of oil, place on lawn, and spell out Happy New Year as a greeting to my friends on the MIR space station. December 31 New Year's Eve! Give staff their resolutions. Call one friend in each time zone of the world as the calendar changes.

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. My love for you... it came and went. So your feet are now in wet cement. I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes. Lie down with me -- it's my final offa, Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa. I picked up this card from a slim selection But that's all they offer here in witness protection. Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style. Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass; So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass. Violets are blue, roses are red, I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead? The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook! Youse da greatest. Youse da best. But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness. Lust is fleeting, true love lingers. Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers. Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like. When a goon makes you die, Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!

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. *** Things that can and do bother the "normal" person. *** Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them. The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them. There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address. You open a can of soup and the lid falls in. It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog! There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING. You can never put anything back in a box the way it came. Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth. You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette. You slice your tongue licking an envelope...OUCH! Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading. You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint. A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling...DOUBLE OUCH! People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up. You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it! You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing. You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.

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